Screenplay: Geek World

WGA# 873782
Geek World
By Nina Tryggvason
Log Line: Coming of Age/Sex comedy set at a Science Fiction
Convention.
EXT. TEMPERATE FOREST. DAY.
Panoramic view of mountains from over Evergreen treetops.
BIRDS CHIRP. RIVER flows nearby.
FIZZBOG THE SO-SO (Woman, wizard, wearing very little and
most of it leather) pushes a tree branch out of her way and
steps into a forest glade.
FIZZBOG
This looks like a good spot.
ZOLTON THE NEBULOUS (Conan wannabe, leather clad) and RAZZLE
FISHMINDER (willowy, soft leather tunic and baggy pants).
Fizzbog looks around and sniffs the air. Zolton looks
anxiously at Razzle.
A FLAP OF LARGE WINGS. All three look up and see a WYVERN
diving from the sky at them.
ZOLTON
Run! Trees! Trees!
Zolton and Razzle run back into the trees.
Fizzbog pulls a stub of a burnt candle from her belt pouch.
She points the candle at the Wyvern.
FIZZBOG
Luminos!
An intense ball of light surrounds the candle. The Wyvern is
almost upon Fizzbog.
FIZZBOG (cont’d)
Beam!
The light ball shoots straight into the Wyvern’s eyes.
Fizzbog dives towards the trees.
Blinded and unable to pull out of its dive, the Wyvern is
killed instantly as it smashes into the ground.
Fizzbog, Zolton and Razzle emerge again from the trees.
Fizzbog’s body jolts, and she is surrounded by a bright
yellow glow that seems to emanate from her own body. The glow
fades.
FIZZBOG THE SO-SO
Cool, I went up a level.
RAZZLE
Fizzbog the So-So, you are one
crazy wizard.
FIZZBOG
Thanks, Razzle Fishminder.
Zolton, holding his huge sword, looks embarrassed.
ZOLTON
I, uh…
FIZZBOG
Zolton the Nebulous you did the
right thing, we really weren’t a
match for a full grown Wyvern.
ZOLTON
You were…
FIZZBOG
I was just lucky the spell worked.
Zolton fixes Fizzbog with an intense stare of awe and
jealousy.
ZOLTON
Those scales would make good armor,
you know.
2.
CONTINUED:
FIZZBOG
Is there time? We still have to
deliver that potion to Lady Kilda
Wabbit.
RAZZLE
If Zolton cuts them off, they can
go into my bag of holding until we
can cure them!
ZOLTON
Actually, I think it’s almost
eleven, so it’s a good place to
camp and stop for the night.
From his backpack, Razzle pulls out a cloth tied with a
leather strap to form a bag, and opens it to reveal corn
chips.
INT. STEVE & JAKE’S LIVINGROOM. WEDNESDAY NIGHT.
Hands in a bowl of corn chips on a coffee table.
The walls of the living room are covered in fantasy posters
haphazardly tacked to the wall. Stacks of books (SF/fantasy
novels, comics, Dungeons & Dragons manuals, film manuals,
computer books) are on shelves and on the floor. GOTHIC MUSIC
is playing on a small tape deck.
JAKE (23, glasses, badly cut short dark hair, an older
nerdier Harry Potter), STEVE (22, a nerdy Howdy Doody), RICK
(23, heavyset nerd) and THOMAS (21, a gay dweeb) are sitting
around a table covered in bowls of snacks and gaming
paraphernalia.
STEVE
So you set up camp, and cut the
bits you want off the Wyvern. Do
you want me to add up the
experience now, or wait til next
week?
3.
CONTINUED: (2)
THOMAS
We don’t need it until next week,
so do it then.
RICK
So Jake, exciting about losing your
virginity this weekend?
JAKE
Oh, and your big one time with
Allyson makes you so much more
manly than me.
Rick puts his hand over his heart and looks fondly into the
distance.
RICK
Ahh, yes, Allyson, the Romulan ale
and electric Jell-o™, and her
mistaking me for Jeff Darby. x
INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT (RICK’S FANTASY)
The bedroom is sparely decorated. There are Fantasy posters
on the wall and spaceship models hanging from the ceiling.
Rick’s feet stick off the edge of the bed from under a pile
of coats and cloaks.
ALLYSON (27, attractive) enters and looks devilishly at the
shoes. She tip toes over to the bed and slides her had up the
pantleg. A ZIPPER.
Allyson slides under the coats to give a blow job.
A coat flies off near the head of the bed and Rick’s eyes
open in shock and then close in ecstacy.
4.
CONTINUED:
INT. STEVE & JAKE’S LIVINGROOM. WEDNESDAY NIGHT AS BEFORE.
STEVE
Spare us your fantasy details.
Steve gives Rick a look.
INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT (WHAT REALLY HAPPENED)
The bedroom is sparely decorated. There are Fantasy posters
on the wall and spaceship models hanging from the ceiling.
Feet stick off the edge of the bed from under a pile of coats
and cloaks.
ALLYSON (27, attractive) enters and looks devilishly at the
shoes. She tip toes over to the bed and slides her had up the
pantleg. A ZIPPER.
Allyson slides under the coats to give a blow job.
Rick enters the room, pauses when he sees the double set of
feet. He tip toes over to the bed, grabs a coat from the pile
and sneaks out.
INT. STEVE & JAKE’S LIVINGROOM. WEDNESDAY NIGHT AS BEFORE.
RICK
But I did mean your con-virgin
status.
JAKE
Allyson denies everything.
RICK
It happened.
STEVE
Whatever.
5.
RICK
You’re just smug cause you’re the
only one with a girlfriend, but,
let me tell you…
THOMAS
Rick, if we can go now, I’ll let
you give me all the gory Allyson
details in the car.
Thomas stands up and heads for the door, grabbing his
belongings and Rick.
Jake stared dreamily at a fantasy poster.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY. MORNING (JAKE’S FANTASY)
Jake (dressed hip and Matrix-y) enters the throng of COSTUMED
GEEKS. Women stare, Men look envious, as Jake strides to the
registration desk.
DIFFERENT WOMEN pass Jake their room keys.
FAN WOMAN
Jake?
INT. STEVE & JAKE’S LIVINGROOM. WEDNESDAY NIGHT AS BEFORE
STEVE
You look tired, we can clean up
tomorrow.
Jake shakes his head and looks around.
JAKE
Naw, can’t sleep if it’s messy. Too
excited to sleep anyway.
Steve smiles and grabs a bowl of taco chip crumbs and
proceeds to finish them off. Jake starts cleaning up.
6.
CONTINUED:
INT. DRUG STORE. THURSDAY AFTERNOON.
Jake and Steve are in front of the condom display.
STEVE
What size are you?
JAKE
(looks around nervously)
I don’t know. Regular, medium.
Whatever.
STEVE
It’s perfectly legal, and, a great
way to meet women. You look
sensitive and responsible.
JAKE
Can we just pick them out and get
away from here?
STEVE
Well, how big? The condom doesn’t
work if it falls off.
Jake steps closer, glancing over his shoulder to see if
anyone is watching.
JAKE
I don’t know about you, but a ruler
isn’t exactly an erotic thing for
me, okay?
STEVE
(Louder than needed)
It’s no biggie… sorry… look,
I’ll turn my back, and you pick out
the one you want. Don’t get ribbed
or flavoured.
7.
Steve turns his back. Jack hesitates, then quickly tosses two
boxes in. Steve looks into the basket.
STEVE (CONT’D)
Oooooo! Ramses! Is that a style
choice? Kidding aside. Don’t get
your hopes up for this convention
too much.
JAKE
You said they’re virtual orgies.
STEVE
Over a modem. Look, people who go
to conventions are a little freer
than the general population and
there’s a feeling that …
JAKE
Yes?
STEVE
That the regular social rules don’t
really apply anymore. At a con, you
get to be anyone you want, and at a
convention, everyone knows it’s
pretend and no-one gets hurt.
JAKE
You’ve told me this already.
STEVE
(wrapped up in his speech)
A science fiction convention is a
vacation from not only where you
live, but who you are…
8.
CONTINUED:
NON-SPACE, NON-TIME
The screen splits into quarters, each showing a different
quick succession of still photographs from SF cons. CROWD
NOISE. LAUGHING.
STEVE (VO)
Regular rules no longer apply,
except for using condoms.
ZOOM INTO ONE FRAME AND THE PICTURE COMES ALIVE TO:
INT. LOBBY/REGISTRATION AREA OF HOTEL. FRIDAY MORNING.
The lobby is packed with costumed FANS (various Trekkers &
Trekkies, Dr. Who, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Society for
Creative Anachronism {SCA}, and assorted movie & literary
aliens) all waiting in line for registration, carrying
luggage, greeting friends and new arrivals.
Jake and SANDRA (Steve’s girlfriend, not in costume, very
business professional looking, femme) look excited and awake.
Bleary eyed Steve, Rick and Thomas follow behind them as they
wind their way to the registration table.
TWO VOLUNTEERS are seated behind a table covered in program
books, convention T-shirts (SF-CON 43), badges and other
registration paraphernalia.
Jake glances around the room in normal view until CAROL (SM
Dominatrix, reddish hair, mid 30′s, clothed in leather straps
and carrying a big cat o’nine tails) strolls across his
vision.
OVERLAY: TERMINATOR POV – Carol is outlined in red as a rapid
succession of words that describe really attractive women
scroll up the side of the screen, until the phrase “Viable
Target” appear. The words loom large and flashing on the
screen.
9.
STEVE
It’s amazing how many other fringe
groups cross over with science
fiction.
RICK
Or how many people want to pretend
they’re so sexually uninhibited.
Jake, it’s a convention, most
people act out their fantasies.
Jake, not listening, watches Carol the Dominatrix flirt her
way through the crowd, dragging her whip across various
individuals.
Without a backwards glance, Carol exits the lobby.
INT. DUNGEON. NON-TIME
Jake (dressed like a pirate, tight black pants, flowing
shirt, thigh-high boots) is chained against a dungeon wall.
Carol the Dominatrix enters. She stands close to Jake.
Her hand travels down Jake’s arms, across his chest and up
the other.
DOMINATRIX (CAROL)
So, I finally have you.
The Dominatrix gently touches Jake’s chin and lips.
JAKE
You’ll never break me, or get the
location of my treasure.
DOMINATRIX
But I already have your treasure.
She rips his shirt from his body, and slides her hands over
his chest and down his stomach.
10.
CONTINUED:
DOMINATRIX (CONT’D)
You can’t resist me forever.
She pulls a dagger from her belts then kneels in front of
him. FABRIC BEING CUT.
INT. LOBBY/REGISTRATION AREA OF HOTEL. FRIDAY DAY. AS BEFORE
Jake is smiling and staring into the distance, his arms
raised about his head.
SANDRA
Jake?
Steve nudges him. Jake looks around startled, then sheepishly
pretends to finish a stretch and then lowers his arms.
JAKE
(blushing)
Just stretching.
Steve and Sandra have moved slightly out of the line up and
are people watching, admiring costumes or waving at people.
THOMAS
Mmmhmmm. Jake, show the nice
volunteer your ID so you can get
your badge and we can dump our gear
in our room.
Jake fumbles his wallet out of his pocket.
The volunteer checks his name off against the master list and
hands him a plastic bag containing his convention information
package.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
I suggest someone a little tamer
and less… experienced… than
Carol. She’s not in your solar
system.
11.
CONTINUED:
JAKE
Her name is Carol?
Rick motions them out of the line up towards Steve and
Sandra.
A GEEK MALE walking by flirts hopefully with Sandra. She
ignores him.
RICK
Yeah, Thomas is right,
(To Thomas)
Sort of like a first level magic
user taking on an adult Red Dragon.
(To Jake)
Sticking to something a littler
slower. Hey, do you know Ginny
Humphries?
The name catches Steve’s ear and he turns away from Sandra to
join the conversation.
STEVE
Ginny didn’t come to the con, it’s
hard to really let your hair down
when you’ve got a three year old in
tow.
SANDRA
The program guide lists plenty of
child-oriented events and
activities. Let’s find our rooms.
Sandra walks towards the elevators. Steve picks up their bags
and follows her.
Rick, Thomas and Jake weave their way through the press of
Con-Goers after them.
12.
CONTINUED:
STEVE
But that’s all daytime stuff, you
can’t exactly slip out on your kids
after they’re asleep and go to the
parties. Ginny’s more responsible
than that.
SANDRA
Well, we clearly have different
ideas about what really makes a
person responsible.
Sandra presses the elevator button.
JAKE
You’d set me up with a woman who
has a kid?
RICK
Ginny’s a great girl.
(at Sandra)
It’s hardly her fault David skipped
out on her.
(to Jake)
You’d be lucky to get Ginny.
THOMAS
What do you want, Jake? Think
you’re going to find some kind of
experienced virgin?
JAKE
No, I just… I’m not sure, I’ll
just know when I see her.
The elevator doors open. A PRINCESS LEIA gets off and gives
Jake a quick cruise. Jake doesn’t notice.
The group gets on the elevator.
Rick watches as Princess Leia sashays away.
13.
CONTINUED: (2)
INT. SANDRA AND STEVE’S ROOM. FRIDAY MORNING.
Sandra is unpacking. Steve, on the bed, watches her for a
moment.
STEVE
(nervous)
So, what’s the plan for the
weekend?
SANDRA
Not sure, but I think you talked me
into going to a science fiction
convention.
STEVE
I mean, how are we going to do the
con?
SANDRA
Well, there’s the Opening Ceremony
tonight, and a couple of panels
this afternoon I’d like to go to.
And I am not missing the new season
of Red Dwarf for anything.
Sandra tucks a small canvass bag without revealing the
contents, under the bed.
SANDRA (cont’d)
Is there any mention in the program
book about when the art show opens?
STEVE
That’s not exactly what I meant,
but I think it opens at noon.
SANDRA
I did think about what you said.
Are we being exclusive this weekend
or are we open to other people?
14.
STEVE
Look, let’s just forget I even
suggested splitting up for the
weekend. It was a dumb idea, and,
you know, I’ve regretted it ever
since.
Steve gets up off the bed and moves close to Sandra.
STEVE (CONT’D)
The thought of you with another
guy…
SANDRA
Who said I’d be chasing men this
weekend?
Steve backs up. Sandra moves closer to him, smiling and
kissing him on the unresponsive lips.
SANDRA (cont’d)
We should just go to the panels we
want to, we don’t have to be glued
at the hip, but the regular couple
rules apply.
Steve relaxes.
SANDRA (cont’d)
We can talk about this desire of
yours to be cosmopolitan after the
weekend; but Steve, I just don’t
think that your middle class morals
have caught up with your science
fiction intellect.
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM. FRIDAY NIGHT.
The room is a swirl of capes, antennae, painted bodies,
wings, latex masks, leather hip boots and the theatrical makeup
of the costumed Science Fiction fans.
15.
CONTINUED:
There are only a few people dressed in regular street
clothes. The costumes are drawn from the entirety of the Sci
Fi genre and related genres – film, TV, books, comix, and
personal invention as well as Fantasy, Medieval, CyberPunk,
and Horror, as well as some sexually provocative SM fantasy
gear.
NATHALIE, an Elf Maiden (early 20’s, no more than 5’4”, and
overweight) is watching Jake very intently.
Sandra (dressed in lingerie with a gauze dress, hip boots) is
leaning near Steve (painted green and wearing blue bikini
briefs, studded dog collar and on a leash).
Rick (Wizard costume), Thomas (pirate costume with eye patch -
which he keeps switching back and forth), Jake (Babylon 5
uniform) watch from the sidelines.
Thomas spots MATTHEW (28, dressed as Hercules a la Kevin
Sorbo, gym queen) in the writhing crowd, surrounded by FEMALE
ADMIRERS that he ignores.
RICK
He’s too pretty to be straight,
Thomas, why not show us
straightboys how much easier it is
to score when you’re gay.
Thomas puffs himself up with false bravado.
THOMAS
Here, Jake, I won’t need this.
Thomas hands Jake the room key.
JAKE
What if you’re not lucky?
THOMAS
Then I deserve the sleeping bag on
the floor. Don’t wait up.
Thomas heads off into the swirl of costumes.
16.
CONTINUED:
Jake looks at the room key and the jealously at Thomas.
Rick smiles at VAMPIRA waving to him from across the room.
Jake ogles her.
INT. DANCE NIGHT (JAKE’S FANTASY).
The CONGOERS ring the dance floor as Jake, slighter bigger
and more muscular, dances with Vampira and then a succession
of ATTRACTIVE COSTUMED WOMEN.
Carol, in a rubber catsuit, stalks him around the edge of the
audience, waiting to be selected.
Jake pauses in front of her, like a bullfighter.
Carol breathes deeply, challenging him.
He extends his hand.
They dance, passionately, each trying to tame the other.
Jake dips Carol, and she lowers her eyes, yielding to him.
Jake leans in for the kiss.
A hand on his shoulder. Jake turns, angrily.
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM. FRIDAY NIGHT. AS BEFORE
RICK
Well, Jakie, it’s just you and me.
Want to go find a Talisman game?
Jake looks at Rick, confused.
JAKE
Talisman?
17.
CONTINUED: (2)
Jake looks around at the INDIFFERENT THRONG OF COSTUMED
CONGOERS. Jake looks back at Rick.
RICK
How about Settlers of Catan? Or, I
hear that there’s an all-night
miniatures campaign going on in….
Rick digs in an inside robe pocket and produces a palm-sized
program book.
JAKE
I dunno, Rick, don’t you want to
see the Opening Ceremony?
RICK
Um, yeah, I suppose, it’s just a
greeting by the main guest and some
other people, some entertainment,
the real deal is the Masquerade
tomorrow night. I dunno, I’ve been
to about thirty, forty Cons, it
gets a bit much.
Rick tussles Jake’s hair. Jake pulls away.
RICK (cont’d)
But, it’s your first, so we’ll
stay.
JAKE
Um, about that woman…
RICK
Not that little blonde SCA chick?
You don’t want to mess with all
those Thy’s and Thou’s and stupid
courtly courting crap they make you
go through in order to get a lousy
lay. Jake, anticipation doesn’t
make it better, only farther away.
18.
CONTINUED:
JAKE
No, Thomas said her name was Carol.
RICK
Carol the dominatrix tax
accountant? The only bigger
bloodsucker is a vampire.
JAKE
You know Carol?
RICK
(like Yoda)
Take you to her I will.
Jake, realizing Rick is teasing him, whacks Rick on the arm.
Rick laughs.
RICK (CONT’D)
Carol, eh? Let’s see if she’s
picked her playmate for the
weekend. She might have brought
someone…
Jake looks a little stricken.
RICK (CONT’D)
Not likely though, I mean, why
bring a sandwich to a smorgasbord?
JAKE
I thought Steve was pulling my leg
the way he went on about Science
Fiction conventions being one big
sexual free-for-all.
RICK
I don’t want to know about Steve
pullin’ anything. Jake, let me tell
you a secret.
Rick looks around.
19.
CONTINUED: (2)
RICK (cont’d)
Most of the people here never got a
date for their prom.
Rick pulls Jake closer.
RICK (cont’d)
Sometimes, when you’re away from
home, especially dressed in
costumes, you think that the usual
rules don’t apply. It’s not true,
there’s still a pecking order, and
you gotta take what you can get.
Thomas and Matthew are in an intense and physically close
conversation, much to the envy of several nearby WOMEN IN
VARIOUS SF COSTUME.
On stage is a MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES (female Starfleet
Officer, Voyager era).
MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES
Welcome to the 43th annual LA-CON.
CROWD
Yeahhhhh!
LONE MALE VOICE
Take it off!!
Mistress of Ceremonies starts to undo her uniform shirt, and
then smiles wryly at the CHEERING crowd.
MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES
We don’t have riot insurance.
CROWD
Booo! Hiss!
20.
CONTINUED: (3)
MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES
Seriously now. Everyone got their
program guides, so please read
them! We put a lot of work into
them. There’s nothing worse than
reading about a panel with your
favorite author or celeb a week
after the con is over.
(a breath)
Just in brief, the art show opened
this afternoon, the big event this
Friday is the masquerade. Please
fill out the ballots in the program
book and leave them in the bins at
the door, prizes will be given out
during the closing ceremony on
Sunday, after the ballots are
counted and the judges fix the
results. I mean, tally the results.
(a breath)
The panels, workshops and video
program streams for Saturday and
Sunday are listed and Saturday
night is the big dance here in the
ballroom.
JAKE
How long is this?
Rick rolls his eyes and shrugs.
MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES
The Media Guests of the convention
are Renee O’Connor from Xena
Warrior Princess, and Brent Spiner
from Star Trek: Next Generation.
Literary Guests are Laurell K.
Hamilton and Greg Bear. Memorial
Artist Guest Warren Oddsson…
(a beat)
21.
CONTINUED: (4)
(MORE)
Warren’s work will be displayed in
the art show and we have five
special prints of his last
unfinished work for the auction,
and all sale proceeds will go to
the Warren Oddsson Memorial
Scholarship.
(a beat)
and now, for the performance talent
part of the evening, I’m proud to
introduce our first act: The
Amazing Amazons singing The Age of
Barbarians!
The Mistress of Ceremonies yields the stage to FOUR WOMEN
DRESSED AS BARBARIAN BERSERKERS, and TAPED MUSIC to the 60′s
AGE OF AQUARIUS starts to play.
Rick grabs Jake and hauls him out of the ballroom.
RICK
Let’s get out before they start to
sing!
JAKE
Where are we going? I thought you
said the talent show was tomorrow.
RICK
It is, that’s why we’re leaving.
Now!
Rick and Jake exit the ballroom.
Steve is watching unhappily from the sidelines as Sandra is
flirts with a CLASSIC TREK MALE KLINGON and a NEXT GEN FEMALE
KLINGON.
INT. HOSPITALITY. FRIDAY NIGHT.
The room is medium sized space and is a buffet/cafeteria set
up.
22.
CONTINUED: (5)
MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES (cont’d)
At the entrance, there is a donation jar with a CON VOLUNTEER
(tired looking, wearing a con T-Shirt and lots of SF lapel
buttons) sitting nearby.
Rick drops some money (under $3 in coins) into the jar. Jake
drops in a $5 dollar bill. Rick looks at him surprised.
There is a long table at one side with various junk/snack
foods, veggies, nibbly foods, small sandwiches, a soda
fountain and a coffee/tea set up. There are two large garbage
cans near the exit, and a sign that says: “Bus your table or
the Bug Blatter Beast of Traal will eat your grandmother.”
RICK
Fill up.
Jake grabs a paper plate, under the now watchful eye of the
semi-sleepy volunteer.
They fill their plates with various foodstuffs. Rick heads
for a table and sits down. Jake follows after selecting
slightly healthier foods than Rick did.
Only a few tables have COSTUMED CON GOERS.
At the table beside Rick and Jake, are THREE HACKERS (pale,
skinny, bad complexions, each wearing T-Shirt with computer
jokes, which change each time we see them) sitting together
with laptop computers and plates piled high with chips.
The Hackers are silent and are conversing to each other via
the same Internet chat room. They never look up from their
computers. They are always in the hospitality suite at this
table, in every future Hospitality scene.
Jake looks pointedly at the three, shakes his head in
disbelief, and then sits with Rick. Rick is stuffing his
mouth and looking through the program guide.
JAKE
Any good movies playing? Rocky
Horror?
23.
CONTINUED:
RICK
Do you want to see a guy in
lingerie in a video room or women
in your room out of lingerie?
Jake blushes. Nathalie the Elf Maid enters and gets some food
JAKE
Don’t women like Rocky Horror?
RICK
Not women who like totally straight
guys. Ah, let’s game. There’s a
Settlers of Catan stream, I haven’t
played the Cities and Knights
edition.
JAKE
I kinda like that gladiator race
game, Circus Maximus, that Thomas
has, is anyone running that game?
Nathalie sits at table near Rick and Jake. She is subtly
watching Jake.
RICK
That’s more luck than strategy, and
I need some strategy help with
Settlers. Sandra keeps kicking our
asses, it’s getting embarrassing.
JAKE
How about miniatures painting
session, or a role play?
RICK
Medieval or Post Apocalyptic?
JAKE
Medieval, fer sure. Hate all that
post nuke gloom and doom mutant
stuff.
24.
CONTINUED: (2)
(MORE)
I just don’t get behind all the
hopelessness about the future.
What’s with all the techno bashing?
Rick consults the program.
RICK
I don’t think it’s anti-tech, I
think that it’s a realistic view of
how crappy the human race is.
JAKE
You don’t think that people can
handle their technology and make
worldwide improvements and live in
harmony?
RICK
(laughs)
There is less than two nonconsecutive
years worth of recorded
history when there was no one at
war with anyone else. Society
sucks. It’s why I spend my time in
alternative realities.
NATHALIE
Um, hi. If you’re looking for real
action…there’s a D&D third
edition game starting in an hour.
JAKE
Not a bad idea, we could try it out
before we re-buy all the second
edition stuff we already have.
(suddenly shy, to
Nathalie)
Thanks….
NATHALIE
Nathalie. I’m partial to
Dragonlance, for the minotaurs.
25.
CONTINUED: (3)
JAKE (cont’d)
Jake smiles at her.
Rick puts the program down and gets up.
RICK
Sounds like a plan to me. Let’s go.
INT. HALLWAY – GUEST FLOOR. FRIDAY NIGHT.
Thomas and Matthew walk down the relatively empty hall
together.
They walk by a lounge with LOUD MUSIC and a CALVIN AS
SPACEMAN SPIFF dancing with HOBBES, FOUR STARFLEET OFFICERS
FROM DIFFERENT SHOWS in a heated debate about which was the
best series, and TWO NON-COSTUMED PEOPLE just enjoying the
MUSIC and sampling foodstuffs from a table with Dixie cups™
with various alcoholic Jell-o™™ shooters in them.
On the wall there are several posters announcing parties and
Virus Cons taking place during the weekend, including a
Saturday night QUEER TREK party.
MATTHEW
Some friends of mine organized the
queer trek party, you should…
uh…attend.
THOMAS
Tell me more.
MATTHEW
Drinking of course, some talking,
and, at eleven, the lights go out
and, you know, it’s just not really
structured at that point.
THOMAS
I’ll just have to make sure to be
there before lights out.
26.
CONTINUED: (4)
Matthew stops at a room and unlocks the door. He holds it
open for Thomas. They exit.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. FRIDAY NIGHT. (AFTER MIDNIGHT)
This hotel conference room has been converted to a game room.
There are five tables set up with chairs, and on each table
in a stand, is a sign for the type of game: Dungeons &
Dragons 2nd Edition, D&D 3rd Edition, Deadlands – Western,
Shadow Run and GURPs. There is a sign on the wall by the door
that says “MINIATURES: TWO DOORS LEFT” and a second sign that
says “BOARD GAMES: ONE DOOR LEFT” They both have right facing
arrows.
On a table near the door is a stack of signs with other
gaming systems in large print, with a sign above them, that
reads “GAME MASTERS PICK HERE”.
There is also a donation jar and SLEEPY SECURITY VOLUNTEER
TWO (Wearing Con T-Shirt, a red armband and a WALKIE-TALKIE).
There are FOUR SHADOW RUN PLAYERS & A GAME MASTER, the other
tables are empty.
Jake, Rick and Nathalie are sitting at the table with TWO
OTHER ROLE PLAYERS, and a GAME MASTER at the Dungeons &
Dragons Third edition table.
JAKE
My halfling’s a wizard, not a
thief.
GAME MASTER
Halfling’s are always thieves.
WALKIE-TALKIE
(STATIC BURST)
OPS, this is Marta, can you send
house cleaning to the Douglas Adams
Memorial?
27.
CONTINUED:
(MORE)
Some people were snapping their
towels and knocked over some vases.
JAKE
Well, this one is trying to break
the stereotype. He’s a wizard.
GAME MASTER
No wizard would have accepted him
as an apprentice to train him.
NATHALIE
It’s a fantasy game, just let his
halfling be a wizard.
RICK
Yeah, let him be a wizard and let’s
play.
GAME MASTER
Look, in your gaming world, you set
the rules you want, in my gaming
world all halflings are thieves.
Jake stands up.
JAKE
Then your gaming world is going to
be a lot smaller. You’re just
prejudiced against halflings.
TWO MALE PONY SLAVES walk by the open door, followed by Carol
carrying a big riding crop.
WALKIE-TALKIE
(STATIC BURST)
Marta, this is OPS, copy,
housecleaning has been dispatched.
Jake sees her and abruptly exits. Rick gathers up his dice
and hurries to catch up to Jake.
28.
CONTINUED:
WALKIE-TALKIE (cont’d)
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM HALLWAY. FRIDAY NIGHT.
Jake is standing mouth open as Carol turns the corner. Rick
moves up beside him.
JAKE
What the hell was that?
RICK
She’s into some weird shit. Too
weird for you, Jake.
Nathalie lurks just inside the door, close enough to hear
them.
JAKE
Um, it’s probably just for show.
RICK
Leather clothes cost too much to
only wear on occasional weekends. I
think you should set your sights on
someone else.
JAKE
How do you know so much about it?
RICK
I got those Anne Rice Sleeping
Beauty porn stories.
Jake dismissed Rick with a wave.
JAKE
Too much personal information.
RICK
Then don’t ask questions that you
don’t want the answers to.
Jake just looks at Rick.
29.
JAKE
I think you need a new hobby.
RICK
You write, Steve’s the dungeon
master and Thomas is gay, you all
have your creative outlets, I
consider smut to be mine.
INT. LOUNGE AREA NEAR GUEST ROOMS. FRIDAY NIGHT.
The lounge is dark, there are only a few food remnants on the
table. Steve and the Classic Trek Male Klingon are playing
MAGIC.
Steve has a brave face, and is drunk from Jell-o™ shooters -
there are five or seven empty dixie cups at his feet and two
or three filled ones on the table.
The Classic Trek Klingon is also drunk.
CLASSIC TREK KLINGON
It’s tough when you’re new at
swinging. But it gets easier.
STEVE
We’ve swung before, but it’s never
been just one of us. It’s just, we
said we weren’t going to this con.
CLASSIC TREK KLINGON
Listen, I’m a married, middle aged,
middle class guy, with two kids and
a dog, my wife and I both work to
pay the never shrinking mortgage.
Steve raises a Dixie cup and dumps the Jell-o™ into his
mouth.
STEVE
To the banks!
30.
CONTINUED:
CLASSIC TREK KLINGON
But, for this weekend, we’re free
agents, and each of us can blow off
some steam and pressure and be
something other than mundane people
for a while.
STEVE
Yeah, but how can it not bother you
that your wife and my girlfriend
are like right now, right now this
minute, um, doing… each other?
CLASSIC TREK KLINGON
Have you ever seen two women
together and not just on video?
STEVE
Well, no, not in person, Sandra’s
always been bi, but we never had,
like a threesome. Has your wife
always been bi?
CLASSIC TREK KLINGON
I asked her, at a con, about a
threesome, and she loved it. Since
it helped me get my genetically
programmed fantasy, I’m okay with
it.
STEVE
Are you? Really?
Steve looks drunkenly at the male Klingon.
Classic Trek Klingon, considering his response, plays a card
and scoops up the pile.
31.
CONTINUED:
CLASSIC TREK KLINGON
If you really think about it, a
mouth or hand on your dick, is just
a mouth or hand on your dick, I
mean, if it was pitch dark, you’d
never know the difference, right?
STEVE
I just don’t see myself in a
situation where I’m getting a blow
job and not knowing who’s doing it.
Steve plays a card.
STEVE (cont’d)
Your play.
INT. BALLROOM. EARLY SATURDAY MORNING.
Jake and Rick are at a CO-ED aerobic and stretching class.
Carol is leading the class.
Jake is several steps behind the class and does not recognize
Carol out of her leather gear.
INT. MATTHEW’ ROOM. EARLY SATURDAY MORNING.
Thomas enters dressed and fresh from the shower.
Matthew is setting out a lavish breakfast on the side table.
Thomas looks over the food and sits down. Matthew pours the
coffee and then sits. They eat shyly.
MATTHEW
You from out of town?
THOMAS
Local.
32.
CONTINUED: (2)
MATTHEW
Me too. I work as a Go-Go dancer at
a couple places.
THOMAS
I’ve seen you, hard not to notice.
I’m not a guy who gets noticed, and
most of my friends are straight,
but cool about me being gay.
MATTHEW
Really? All of my friends are gay,
they don’t understand the geek
thing.
THOMAS
So what are you doing at a science
fiction convention?
MATTHEW
People think because I’m pretty
that I’m only into gym queens, but
in reality, I’m a tall, skinny pale
little geek who got beat up in high
school.
THOMAS
Guys don’t try to pick you up at
the bars?
MATTHEW
Ever talk to a gym queen? Not the
best conversationalists. But, when
you came up to me, I thought, this
is a guy who gives really good
discussion.
Thomas laughs. They eat in a comfortable silence for a
moment.
33.
CONTINUED:
MATTHEW (CONT’D)
So, since we’re both local geeks,
how about seeing each other again?
Dinner next Friday?
THOMAS
You’re going to be a bit of a shock
to my friends. I’ve never had a
boyfriend.
(amused)
Is this what being a U-Haul Dyke is
like?
MATTHEW
Don’t know if I want to move into
together, but dating, sure, getting
to know each other. I’m sure we’ll
both be a bit of a shock to each
other’s friends.
THOMAS
Havin’ a hard time believing that
this is even real.
MATTHEW leans in and kisses Thomas, tenderly, then building
to passion.
MATTHEW
Real enough?
Thomas blinks, still not quite believing his luck.
THOMAS
That’s pretty real.
INT. STEVE & SANDRA’S ROOM. SATURDAY MORNING.
Steve is on the bed, dressed for the day. Sandra comes out of
the bathroom in a robe, drying her hair with a towel.
34.
CONTINUED: (2)
STEVE
So, um…
SANDRA
Look, Steve, I know you’re upset,
it’s not what we talked about for
this weekend, but we just need to
be flexible. I mean, we’re here for
a good time, blow off some steam,
meet new people.
STEVE
I’m not so sure I want to make any
new friends, I mean, our social
calendar is so packed.
Sandra sits on the bed beside him. Steve moves enough away so
they aren’t touching. Sandra stands.
SANDRA
Fine, we’ll just talk later.
Steve stands up.
STEVE
We agreed we were exclusive this
weekend.
SANDRA
I told you from day one that I’m
bisexual, and you asked me before
the con if we could be free agents.
STEVE
But when we talked, we agreed that
we weren’t.
SANDRA
Look, Steve, I love you, but you’re
going to need to be flexible. You
talk the non-monogamy talk, so you
gotta start walking the walk.
35.
CONTINUED:
Steve sits down on the bed.
SANDRA (cont’d)
Most marriages end in divorce, and
they probably wouldn’t if there
wasn’t so much baggage about sex.
Sandra sits down and cuddles against him. Steve makes no
attempt to move. Sandra doesn’t move.
SANDRA (CONT’D)
How about for the rest of the
weekend, we’re open to other
people, but we come as a team.
Would you like that?
Steve warms up.
STEVE
A threesome?
Sandra nods yes. Steve lays back on the bed in anticipation.
He sits up abruptly.
STEVE (cont’d)
You, me and another woman, right?
SANDRA
Okay, sure, for Saturday night.
Steve’s new found enthusiasm is dashed.
STEVE
I don’t want another guy involved
at the same time as me. And totally
not with me.
Sandra pushes Steve into a laying down position, and rolls
him over so he’s face down. She straddles him, and leans down
to whisper in his ear.
36.
CONTINUED: (2)
SANDRA
We’re all born bisexual, it’s just
our social conditioning that stops
us from being what we really are.
Sandra pulls Steve’s shirt up and kisses down his spine.
He enjoys it until she gets close to his ass.
She slips her hand under him to undo his pants. He gives her
access, not knowing where she’s going yet. She pulls his
pants down, and slides her fingers around his buttocks.
Steve tries to twist around, but Sandra holds him face down.
STEVE
What are you doing?
SANDRA
Shhhhh… relax, something new that
you’ll like. I promise. But you
really need to relax.
Sandra leans over the edge of the bed and pulls out a small
bag. She takes out a tube of lubricant, and a small thin,
battery operated vibrator.
STEVE
Where’s that going?
Sandra looks at Steve, and she softens when she sees that
he’s really scared.
She puts the sex toys down, and moves closer to him. Her
hands roam over his body seductively.
SANDRA
Remember how each month, we said
we’d try something new?
Steve is having a difficult time forming coherent thoughts.
Sandra easily rolls him onto his back.
37.
CONTINUED: (3)
SANDRA (CONT’D)
It’s just a itty bitty prop, and
it’s going to help me blow… your…
mind.
Sandra kisses his chest.
SANDRA (cont’d)
Oh, baby, I just want to blow your
whole world apart.
Sandra kisses Steve’s lower stomach.
He closes his eyes, unable to resist her. His body relaxes
even more as she continues to kiss towards his groin.
SANDRA (cont’d)
Steve, will you let me rock your
world?
STEVE
Rock…my…world.
Sandra smiles evilly and reaches for the lube and the
vibrator.
INT. PUBLISHING WORKSHOP. SATURDAY MORNING.
Panel discussion “How not to get published”. There are THREE
PANELISTS and an MC at the head table and about 50 chairs
with TWENTY CON GOERS, most in SF costumes.
Jake is paying attention, while Rick is softly snoring. One
of the ATTENDEES is standing.
Nathalie the Elf Maid is sitting behind Jake.
38.
CONTINUED: (4)
PANELIST ONE
All I want to see in a query letter
is evidence that you know what type
of books my company publishes, and
how you think what you’ve got will
fit into that catalogue. If I’m
interested, I’ll ask you for the
first three chapters.
WRITING WORKSHOP ATTENDEE ONE
But a workshop I went to said that
I need to build a relationship…
INSERT: JAKE’S FANTASY WORKSHOP.
Same room set up. Jake (looking more academic and dashing)
holds a very thick three ring binder of pages.
PANELIST TWO
Excuse me, young man, with the
binder. Did you actually bring a
novel to this workshop?
JAKE
(blushing)
Well, yes, I’ve been working on it
for a long time.
PANELIST TWO
Can I see it?
Jake stands up, reluctantly, and brings his novel to the
front table.
Panelist Two takes the binder and begins to scan the pages.
Panelist One and Three peer over Panelist Two shoulders.
Panelist Two tries to hide the pages, they begin to fight.
PANELIST TWO (cont’d)
I must publish it! How much?
39.
CONTINUED:
Panelist Three snatches the binder away from panelist Two.
PANELIST THREE
No, me! Do you have an agent?
PANELIST ONE
No, this young man was smart enough
to get how you actually get
published, it’s mine! I saw him
first! One Million Dollars!
Panelist One grabs the binder.
PANELIST TWO
1.5 million and a deal for your
next two books, this is the start
of a series, right?
Jake watches in horror.
JAKE
I have more than one book, you can
all have one!
The panelists stop fighting. The binder is ruined, pages
float to the ground like a ticker tape parade.
The crowd CHEERS AND GOES WILD.
INT. PUBLISHING WORKSHOP. SATURDAY MORNING AS BEFORE
Rick is resting his head on Jake’s shoulder.
Jake is watching the panelists intently.
PANELIST ONE
You can include a brief bio or a
resume of your writing credits, but
make it relevant to what you’ve
written. I don’t need to know how
you broke your arm in high school.
40.
CONTINUED: (2)
(MORE)
What I need to know is that you’re
reliable, have a completed
manuscript, and anything in your
background that makes you an expert
on what you’ve written.
Writing Workshop Attendee One sits down, not entirely
convinced. No one else stands right away.
Rick’s head lolls to one side, and he SNORTS himself awake.
Attendees LAUGH.
Jake is embarrassed, and he nudges Rick’s arm a little too
hard.
Rick, unbalanced, falls out of his chair.
The room, attendees and panelists, breaks up in LAUGHTER.
Rick gets up and bows to the crowd.
RICK
Thank you, thank you, I’m here all
weekend, don’t eat the cow.
Rick bows and backs out of the room.
Jake, deeply embarrassed, scurries after him.
INT. DEALER’S ROOM. SAT MORNING.
This is a long room with tables lining the wall and forming a
centre circle, so that the costumed CONGOERS are surrounded
by good laden tables.
Each table has it’s own DEALER, often in themed costume. Each
table is filled with different science fiction/fantasy
related items. There are fan tables set up to sell souvenirs
of specific shows.
41.
CONTINUED:
PANELIST ONE (cont’d)
The Dealer’s Room is fairly crowded, NOISY and packed with
costumed CONGOERS.
Rick and Jake are frequently jostled.
Nathalie the Elf Maid is too casually following Jake.
JAKE
How could you sleep through the
panel like that? It was the one
panel that I absolutely needed.
RICK
I was bored, and that movement
class was tiring. We shoulda gone
to the starship drawing workshop.
That publishing discussion sucked,
you can get all that from books.
Rick looks over a box of early 1970′s fantasy comic books,
each one in a plastic cover.
JAKE
Not the personal advise part! It’s
making contact with people in the
publishing business. Rick, it’s the
networking opportunities. I could
have been discovered.
The COMIC DEALER (dressed as the Comic Book Salesman from The
Simpsons) watches hopefully.
COMIC DEALER
Here’s a card for my store, if you
don’t see what you’re looking for,
I probably have it in stock. Or I
can order it.
Rick smiles and accepts the card.
42.
CONTINUED:
RICK
(quietly to comic dealer)
I’m just looking to make my friend
here change the subject.
Rick moves to the next table. Jake follows him.
JAKE
You’re right about the movement
class though. What a waste, and
Carol wasn’t even there.
Jake sorts through a stack of Filk CD’s and tapes. The FILK
DEALER (dressed in flowing fabrics) stands up and hands Jake
a tape.
FILK DEALER
This one includes the infamous
Ballad of the Green Room, about
Westercon-44, and it has Sneech
Ball Wizard and some other Harry
Potter inspired filks.
JAKE
Um, just browsing. Thanks.
Jake moves away from the table. Rick is looking at short
swords.
JAKE (cont’d)
You said Carol was gonna be in that
oh so tiring stretch class.
RICK
Man, are you still on about that?
Jake, you’ve got to get laid.
A MEDIEVAL LORD reaches between Jake and Rick and pulls a
very long sword off the table.
JAKE
Duh! Not helping!
43.
CONTINUED: (2)
RICK
Jeesh, Jake, no one wears fetishwear
all the time. Not my fault if
you can’t recognize your lady love
in all her different guises.
The Medieval Lord moves around them and hands the SWORD
DEALER his credit card.
MEDIEVAL LORD
Whatever it costs, it’s worth it.
Jake and Rick move a table down, uncomfortable with the gleam
in the Medieval Lord’s eye.
JAKE
You’re yanking my chain.
RICK
No, but if you don’t stop fixating
on Carol, that all you’re gonna do
this weekend. Let’s find Thomas.
They exit.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEALER’S ROOM. SAT MORNING
Several COSTUMED CONGOERS are streaming in and out of the
Dealer’s Room. Across the hall, there is a double door with a
sign reading “ART SHOW”.
Sandra, walking determinedly, walks through the doors and
into an aisle of fantasy paintings.
Rick pulls out the pocket program guide.
In one of several two seat sofas lining the hallway, there is
a FAIRY WOMAN reading “Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker.
44.
CONTINUED: (3)
RICK
Vogon poetry contest in an hour,
Picard vs Kirk debate, jeesh, ya
think they’d do something new, like
Ramifications of Time Travel in a
Multi- Dimensional Universe. Hey, a
Slash writer’s workshop…
MAN IN BLACK approaches Fairy Woman, and fails to get her
attention by visual flirting.
JAKE
Slash writers? Is that cross over
fiction?
MAN IN BLACK
(to Fairy Woman)
Can I give you a back rub?
Fairy Woman looks the MIB over. She smiles and moves so he
can rub her back. She watches Rick with interest.
FAIRY WOMAN
Sure, thanks, my neck’s a bit
stiff. Slept badly, I guess.
Rick consults the program guide again.
RICK
Um, well Jake, it’s porn fanfic.
You know, the classic one is Kirk
slash Spock, but now there’s
Mulder slash Krycheck, and of
course, Xena slash Gabrielle, but
that was kinda in the show, so I
don’t think it counts.
MIB rubs her back, and he starts to enjoy it a little too
much. Fairy Woman is uncomfortable by his attention, and
looks around for an escape route.
45.
CONTINUED:
JAKE
Don’t get it, don’t want to get it,
don’t want to know this.
FAIRY WOMAN
It’s part of the SF tradition,
dating back to classic Trek, the
first ones were stories about Kirk
and Spock and circulated at
conventions. With the Internet,
there’s been an explosion in the
genre.
JAKE
That still doesn’t say why anyone
would write sex stories about Kirk
and Spock, I mean, they’re not gay.
Kirk boffed every babe in the
universe, and Spock could only have
sex every seven years.
RICK
Get Thomas to explain queer subtext
to you.
MIB
(Softly)
You know, I could do a much better
job somewhere more private.
FAIRY WOMAN
(Not Softly)
Um, no, it’s okay, I’m pretty happy
right here.
MIB stops massaging Fairy Woman.
MIB
I just remembered I’m supposed to
meet someone.
MIB leaves.
46.
CONTINUED: (2)
Rick consults the program guide again.
RICK
Now, lessee, Steve will probably be
with Sandra…
JAKE
I don’t like Sandra.
Jake slaps his hands over his mouth.
JAKE (cont’d)
Was that out loud?
FAIRY WOMAN
Inner Voice, Outer Voice.
Rick smiles at Fairy Woman.
RICK
But don’t worry, none of us like
Sandra. And hey, we won’t like your
girlfriend either.
JAKE
What? Why?
RICK
(to Fairy Woman)
Because you’ll want to spend time
with her
(to Jake)
that you could be spending with us,
stupid.
FAIRY WOMAN
You could always let the
girlfriends play, some of us like
gaming too.
Fairy Woman smiles slyly at Rick. Rick swallows hard.
47.
CONTINUED: (3)
RICK
Want to hook up at the midnight
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Screening? I do Frank N Furter,
really well.
Fairy Woman gets up and moves intimately close to Rick.
FAIRY WOMAN
I do Columbia, but I’ve been
getting into Magenta lately.
RICK
Really? How about 8? I’m in 314.
Fairy Woman flirts with Rick by extending her hand.
FAIRY WOMAN
It’s a dance.
Rick kisses her hand and bows. His fingers linger overlong on
her hand.
Their eyes lock for a moment. Rick smiles and straightens up.
Rick and Jake head down the hall to the elevators.
JAKE
Well, that didn’t seem so hard to
get a date.
RICK
Thanks for noticing. Now you don’t
have an excuse.
Jake looks at Rick, stunned.
INT. HALLWAY (JAKE’S FANTASY)
Carol is seated on the sofa reading a sex book.
48.
CONTINUED: (4)
Jake (Goth suave) approaches her with a single white rose.
JAKE
Carol, would you like to go to the
dance later tonight?
Carol looks up and is swept away by Jake. She accepts the
rose, coyly, almost blushing.
CAROL
Yes, I would. Thank you for asking.
INT. HALLWAY NEAR ELEVATORS, AS BEFORE
Jake shakes his head.
JAKE
Nothing is ever that easy.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. SATURDAY LATE MORNING.
Thomas, Matthew and Steve are in a SMALL POETRY CROWD (15 -
20) watching the Vogon Poetry Contest.
Classic Trek Klingon is sitting behind Steve, who has not
noticed him.
There are two chairs with POETRY VICTIMS, dressed as
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy characters, Arthur Dent and
Ford Prefect, strapped to the chairs.
The Poetry Victims ARE SCREAMING.
There is a line of NINE WAITING VOGONS (large, shapeless,
green and moist looking wearing rubber clothes) each
clutching a few sheets of paper.
VOGON 10 is reading from a translucent plastic clipboard with
strange marks in grease pencil.
49.
CONTINUED:
VOGON 10
Rain piddled, puddled, drip drip
droop. Wet window, birds huddled
miserably outside, but easy to
catch to eat, damn feathers, floopy
floop hibble
FORD
Auuuuggggggg!
ARTHUR
Stoooopppppppp!
Small Poetry Crowd LAUGHS AND JEERS.
Matthew LAUGHS. Thomas smiles at him. Steve rolls his eyes.
MATTHEW
Hitchhiker’s is one of my favorite
books.
STEVE
What about Mostly Harmless?
MATTHEW
By the fifth book in the trilogy,
it was a bit stale, but I can
understand the choices he made it
in. Adams wanted to move on to
other things.
Thomas beams.
THOMAS
Forget it, Steve. You won’t be able
to trip him up.
Steve grins evilly.
STEVE
We haven’t seen how he games yet.
Matthew gives Thomas a worried look. Thomas smiles
encouragingly at him and holds his hand. Matthew relaxes.
50.
CONTINUED:
INT. HOSPITALITY. SATURDAY EARLY AFTERNOON.
Steve, Sandra, Rick, Jake, Thomas and Matthew are eating.
SANDRA
You guys just met last night? You
seem so couplish already.
THOMAS
We’re not picking out china
patterns just yet, we’re still in
the lots of sex getting to know
each other phase.
Matthew beams wolf-sheepishly.
RICK
Sandra, let’s ask what’s really
important, Matthew, are you a
gamer? A lit fan or a media fan?
Classic or NG?
MATTHEW
Wow, um, gamer? You mean role play,
No, I’ve never played, but I’m
willing to learn. What was the rest
of it?
STEVE
(as if to small child)
Do you like science fiction
literature or are you mostly into
the movies and TV shows?
MATTHEW
I get most of my SF from reading,
and I prefer Star Trek Next
Generation to Classic, but Deep
Space Nine was the grittiest one.
51.
(MORE)
Especially that Dax lesbian episode
where she was gonna throw her whole
continued existence away for the
woman she loved.
RICK
Oooo, yeah, that was really hot.
STEVE
Yeah, my fave all time episode too.
Okay, Thomas, you can keep him,
he’s cool.
Sandra’s WATCH ALARM RINGS. She stops it.
SANDRA
Gotta motor, Red Dwarf is starting
in 20 minutes.
Sandra kisses Steve goodbye and then exits.
Thomas lets out his breath. Steve looks at him funny.
JAKE
So, who do you think had more
clothes? Cat from Red Dwarf or the
Howell’s?
MATTHEW
The bigger question is, how come
Ginger, Mary Anne and the Howell’s
brought so many clothes for just a
three hour tour?
THOMAS
Yeah, and why did the Skipper,
Gilligan and the Professor never
change their clothes?
STEVE
That’s just one of those angels on
pinhead questions.
52.
CONTINUED:
MATTHEW (cont’d)
(MORE)
Well, looks like we’ve got three
hours to hit the gaming rooms.
Coming?
RICK
Like you even gotta ask.
JAKE
Actually, there’s a movie I want to
catch.
RICK
Go off, alone?
Rick musses up Jake’s hair.
RICK (cont’d)
Don’t try to pick up any
dominatrixes with wooden toys.
Rick and Jake stand up and race each other out the door.
THOMAS
I want to go to the art show and
put some bids down for the auction.
Maybe hit the dealer’s room.
Thomas and Matthew exchange sickly sweet new couple faces.
Steve smiles.
STEVE
No problem. See you at the dance?
THOMAS
Fer sure.
Steve hurries out of the room.
MATTHEW
Man, and I thought that the gay
community could be cruel. There are
more rules to being a geek.
53.
CONTINUED: (2)
STEVE (cont’d)
THOMAS
I think you passed the audition.
They kiss.
INT. VIDEO ROOM. SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
Jake sits in a small crowd, including Nathalie, watching an
1950’s B Monster/Science amok movie.
EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF A SMALL TOWN – JAKE’S FANTASY (B&W)
Jake (as Elvis/James Dean) and Carol (1950’s good girl) are
having a picnic in a forest clearing.
A CHEESY TENTACLED BUG EYED MONSTER lurches out of the
forest, moving very slowly towards Jake and Carol.
Carol SCREAMS, her mouth wide, hands by the sides of her
head.
Jake jumps up and moves in front of Carol protectively, armed
with only the picnic basket and blanket.
Jake throws the basket at the Monster.
The Monster shoots the basket with beams from it’s eyes. The
basket bursts into flame.
JAKE
Get to the car, I’ll hold it off!
CAROL
No, I can’t leave you.
Jake grabs the picnic blanket. He moves towards the monster.
He turns, and grab Carol in an embrace.
54.
CONTINUED: (3)
JAKE
One of us has to warn the others.
I’ll hold the monster off as long
as I can.
Jake kisses Carol, hard.
CAROL
I love you, Jake. I’ll always love
you.
Jake gives her a cocky grin.
JAKE
I know, baby.
Jake wields the picnic blanket like a matador and runs
towards the monster.
Carol runs to the car.
Jake aims the blanket and throws it successfully over the
Monster’s head.
The Monster’s tentacle flail.
Carol is unable to start the car. ENGINE FLOODING.
The picnic blanket near the Monster’s eyes starts to glow.
Jake finds a big stick and strike the Monster repeatedly.
The picnic blanket bursts into flames.
Jake topples the Monster with a mighty blow.
The Monster falls into a pile of dead branches, and flames
erupt.
Carol manages to start the car.
She drives across the forest clearing towards Jake.
55.
CONTINUED:
Jake turns to run from the Monster.
A tentacle wraps around his leg, dragging him towards the
fire.
Jake falls and tries to free himself from the Monster’s
grasp.
Carol stops the car, and runs to Jake.
She grabs a branch and beats the tentacle, it lets go.
Jake scrambles to his feet and she and Carol run for the car -
Jake in the driver’s seat.
The Monster’s tentacles flail towards the sky as it is
consumed by the flames.
Jake and Carol stop to see the Monster’s end and to share a
kiss.
In the rearview mirror, we see three more Monsters emerging
from the forest.
Jake sees the mirror, and puts the car into drive.
JAKE (cont’d)
We got to warn the town.
CAROL
What will we do, no one will
believe us. Especially my father…
JAKE
We’ll just have to make them.
INT. VIDEO ROOM. SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
Jake watches the movie. Nathalie watches Jake.
Jake yawns, stretches, checks his watch and exits.
56.
CONTINUED: (2)
INT. HALLWAY CONFERENCE LEVEL. SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
Jake comes out of a room where SEVERAL CONGOERS are watching
a 1950’s B movie. Jake walks across the hall to the Men’s
Washroom.
Nathalie emerges from the movie room and looks up and down
the hall.
Carol (in dominatrix gear) walks by.
NATHALIE
Excuse me, have you seen a skinny
nerd boy, glasses, short dark hair,
kinda Harry Potterish?
CAROL
Yes, dear, dozens. We’re at an SF
Con, after all.
NATHALIE
No, I, um mean, just now. Coming
out of the movie room.
Carol smiles at her indulgently.
CAROL
No, he didn’t pass me in the hall.
A FEMALE ELF (30’s, Tall) and a MALE VAMPIRE (30’s tall,
dapper) walk towards Carol and Nathalie.
MALE VAMPIRE
Don’t you hate it when fat people
pretend to be elves or vampires, I
mean, as if.
FEMALE ELF
Short, too. I mean, get real.
The Elf and Vampire laugh cruelly.
57.
Nathalie, shrinking into herself, steps backwards towards the
movie room to get out of their way so they can pass.
Carol stops them from moving passed.
CAROL
Did that really come out of your
mouth, you rude fucks?
Carol rips their badges off their chests, not caring about
tearing their clothes.
The Female Elf and Vampire step backwards in shock.
CAROL (cont’d)
Why don’t you two just crawl home.
Don’t come back to this con, or any
con, until you learn some damn
manners about how to treat people!
VAMPIRE
You can’t kick us out!
FEMALE ELF
We were just having a private
conversation! It’s not our problem
if her feelings got hurt. It’s just
for fun.
CAROL
Hurting people’s feelings is fun to
you? You sick little puppies.
Carole gets really close to the Vampire wanna be.
CAROL (cont’d)
Think you can handle real fun?
She runs the tip of her riding crop along his cheek. The
Vampire backs up against the wall, standing on tip toe, eyes
clamped shut and lower lip quivering.
58.
CONTINUED:
In disgust, Carol turns to the Female Elf. Female Elf stands
her ground against Carol’s intimate in her face onslaught.
Jake steps out of the bathroom, he is riveted by Carol’s
power and control of the situation.
CAROL (cont’d)
I should truss you up, place a few
clamps and pins, strategically. Oh,
the fun we could have. You don’t
mind a little piercing between play
pals? Do you?
VAMPIRE
Um, ah, we’re sorry, uh, er we
didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s
feelings. Honest.
FEMALE ELF
Yeah, sorry, didn’t mean it.
Really. Sorry. Can we go now?
Carol waves her hands at them
CAROL
Your begging technique needs a
little work. Apologize to the young
lady, NOW.
(To Nathalie)
What was your name, dear?
NATHALIE
Nathalie.
CAROL
Apologize to Nathalie, and then get
the hell out of my sight.
VAMPIRE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.
59.
CONTINUED: (2)
FEMALE ELF
Me too, I’m sorry I mean, I…we
didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
Nathalie stands taller, basking in the glow of this new
experience.
NATHALIE
Apology accepted.
The two head hurriedly down the corridor.
CAROL
Get real, imagine, and him dressed
up like a vampire in daylight.
Yeeesh.
Mortified, Nathalie suddenly notices Jake. Carol turns around
and looks him over. She smiles wickedly.
CAROL (cont’d)
Hey, kid, what’s your name?
JAKE
Um, Jake.
CAROL
Well, Jake, my friend Nathalie
here’s just had a bit of an upset,
how about if you show her that not
all fanboys are nasty creatures,
and take her to hospitality.
JAKE
Um, sure. Nathalie? Can I escort
you to hospitality?
Nathalie is radiant, as Jake gallantly offers his arm.
NATHALIE
Thank you, Jake, it’s so very kind
of you.
60.
CONTINUED: (3)
They head to the elevator.
CAROL
He did look like Harry Potter.
Carol shrugs and continues on her way, dropping the two con
badges into the garbage can near the elevators.
INT HOSPITALITY. SATURDAY AFTERNOON
Jake sits down and hands Nathalie the cup of tea and puts a
communal plate of snack foods on the table.
JAKE
I hoped I’d bump into you again, I
felt bad leaving you at the game
last night.
Nathalie smiles.
NATHALIE
It’s okay,. Thanks for the tea. I
mostly drink coffee, that sort of
thing. I am soooo not a morning
person. Are you?
JAKE
No, not really. I like to be up at
night, it’s when I do my best
writing.
NATHALIE
What kind of stuff do you write?
JAKE
What I really like is the
futuristic stuff by HG Wells or
Jules Verne. I try to do that sort
of story.
61.
CONTINUED: (4)
NATHALIE
Could I read something you’ve
written?
JAKE
I didn’t bring anything with me.
So, I know you’re a gamer, but are
you a Red Dwarf fan?
NATHALIE
(singing)
I’m gonna eat you little fishies!
JAKE
(Laughs)
They enjoy a quiet moment. Jake gets really shy.
JAKE (CONT’D)
So, do you know Carol really well?
NATHALIE
No, I never met her before, we were
just, um, I had just met her in the
hall. We had really only just
started talking when those creeps
came by and were rude, but Carol
really set them straight.
JAKE
Yeah….
NON SPACE NON TIME
Jake (dressed a la The Matrix final scene) is walking down a
dark and futuristic street.
Behind him, a THUG (Black clothes) is walking, slowly gaining
on Jake.
62.
CONTINUED:
Ahead, near the alley entrance, a SICKLY MAN is leaning,
moaning softly.
Jake approaches the Sickly Man, unaware of the thug.
JAKE
Are you okay?
SICKLY MAN
No, can you help me, I got a bad
dose, man. I can barely walk. I
just need to sit down.
Jake moves closer to the Sickly Man to help him get to the
bus station bench to rest.
Sickly Man reaches as if to put his arm around Jake’s
shoulder, and then smashes him up against the wall, covering
his mouth.
The Thug quickly approaches with a hypodermic weapon.
THUG
I’ll hold him, you scan him.
The Thug takes over pinning Jake. The Sickly Man pulls out a
small metal device and runs it over Jake, head to toe. The
device BEEPS at his right foot.
SICKLY MAN
It’s in his shoe.
THUG
Get it.
(To Jake)
Give us any trouble and you’ll be
dead before you hit the ground.
He waves the hypodermic menacingly in Jake’s face.
Carol (dressed in a tight leather military cut outfit)
appears over the Thug’s shoulder. She has a laser pistol.
63.
CONTINUED:
CAROL
The only one who’s gonna be dead is
you, Ricco.
The Thug spins around to face Carol, as she shoots. He drops
like a rock, pinning his accomplice, who was still struggling
to get Jake’s boot off.
Jake pulls his foot away as the Sickly Man now struggles to
free himself from his dead companion.
Carol speaks into her wrist radio.
CAROL (CONT’D)
HQ, this is Agent 24, I need a
clean up, 2 bodies on Main and 1st.
Target acquired.
The Sickly Man starts to SCREAM FOR HELP. Carol shoots him.
WRIST RADIO
Confirmed, Agent 24. Clean up
dispatched. ETA three minutes.
CAROL
Come with me if you want to live…
Carol holds her hand out. Jake hesitates and them puts his
hand in hers. She pulls him towards her, grabs him around the
waist and bends in close to kiss him.
INT. HOSPITALITY. SAT AFTERNOON. AS BEFORE.
Jake violently shakes his head. Nathalie looks at him,
concerned.
NATHALIE
Jake? Are you….
64.
CONTINUED: (2)
NON-SPACE, NON-TIME AS BEFORE.
Jake (more muscular in this fantasy version) walks towards
the Sickly Man.
JAKE
…okay?
SICKLY MAN
No, can you help me, I got a bad
dose, man. I can barely walk. I
just need to sit down.
Jake moves closer to the Sickly Man to help him get to the
bus station bench to rest.
Sickly Man reaches as if to put his arm around Jake’s
shoulder.
Jake twists the Sickly Man’s arm and sends him flying into
the Thug who had been quickly approaching with a hypodermic
weapon.
The two men try to crawl away from each other on the ground.
Jake pulls out a laser pistol and shots both men.
Carol appears, gushing over Jake’s prowess.
JAKE
Better call for a clean up crew,
Agent 24.
CAROL
Sure, Agent 5. Sorry that I was
late…
JAKE
They’re dead, that’s all that
matters.
65.
Jake puts his arm around her waist and pulls her closer to
him, he leans in for a kiss.
INT. HOSPITALITY. SATURDAY AFTERNOON. AS BEFORE.
Nathalie has reached across the table and is shaking Jake.
NATHALIE
Are you okay? Are you having a
seizure of some kind?
Jake becomes aware of his surroundings. He blushes.
JAKE
Uh, no, I uh, well, sometimes, the
characters that I write about,
sometimes they just kinda jump into
my mind and I just kinda, it’s like
watching a movie play in my head, I
just sort of forget where I am.
Nathalie reassesses him, and then smiles.
NATHALIE
That’s cool. It shows you really
care about your writing. Most of
the people that I know who say
they’re writers never seem to
actually write anything. Maybe I
could see your writing some other
time? I’m local.
JAKE
Me too.
Thomas and Rick walk in, see Jake, and join their table.
THOMAS
Hi, I’m Thomas and this is Rick.
And you are?
66.
CONTINUED:
JAKE
Nathalie. This is Nathalie. I was
just coming to meet you guys.
RICK
I think that we’d like to have some
tea, too.
Rick and Thomas sit down too close on either side of Jake and
Nathalie – forcing them to move their chairs closer together.
THOMAS
Well, I have news. I have a
boyfriend. His name is Matthew, and
he wants to try gaming. Oh, he’s
also a go-go dancer.
JAKE
(sarcastic)
Sounds dreamy.
Nathalie looks a bit alarmed.
JAKE (cont’d)
Something the matter?
NATHALIE
No, but I just remembered that I
have to meet some people, too.
Thanks for the tea.
Nathalie beats a hasty retreat.
THOMAS
Seems like a nice girl.
JAKE
I dunno, she got kinda flakey when
you said you had a boyfriend.
67.
CONTINUED:
TWO ROBED FILKERS (one with a guitar, one with an autoharp)
enter. They select a table opposite from the Hackers and set
up with sheet music and instruments.
RICK
Yeah, it always kinda surprises me
when geeks discriminate.
THOMAS
It’s like, hello, look in a mirror,
you’re not exactly mainstream
either.
Rick, Jake, and Thomas exit as the Filkers start SINGING
“Went Down to the Tatooine Cantina” (original lyrics) to the
tune of St. James Infirmary.
FILKERS
I went down to Tatooine Cantina
To see Han Solo there,
He was sittin’ at a dark back
table,
So hot, so cool, so fair.
Gueedo sat down with him,
“Give me the cash,” he said;
Turn to see ol’ Gueedo
Good God! He’s lying there dead.
I went down to Tatooine Cantina,
On the corner by the square
They were serving the drinks as
usual,
And the usual crowd was there.
INT. ART SHOW. LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON
The art room is set up similar to the dealer’s room with art
boards lining the perimeter of the room, as well as free
standing boards creating two rows of art boards. There are
three potential aisles for the CONGOERS to be in.
68.
CONTINUED: (2)
Most of the artwork is paintings or drawings. There are some
boards with jewelry and some mixed media work. Each item has
a bid sheet associated with it.
At the front of the room, near the entrance, in the place of
honour is a canvass with Plexiglas covering it – the last and
unfinished, final work of the Memorial Guest Artist, Warren
Oddsson (1958-2001).
A sign near the canvass indicates that print sale proceeds
will go to the Warren Oddsson Memorial Scholarship,
administered by the British Columbia Icelandic Canadian Club.
Thomas looks at the displayed feature canvass and he writes a
bid down for a print. Matthew stands nearby.
Jake and Rick join them. Rick looks at the drawing.
RICK
Warren gave me an ink drawing he
did of Major Kira and Dax, it’s
really hot.
MATTHEW
Did you know him well?
RICK
Only at the Friday socials, he was
really generous, he’d do a sketch
for you of anything you asked.
THOMAS
Yeah, I think it’s why he was never
really appreciated by the local
fans. His artwork always sold for
much more the farther out of the
home town the convention was.
Matthew leans close to Thomas and hugs him.
The four then move into the first aisle to look at the
artwork by other artists.
69.
CONTINUED:
Many of the paintings are portraits of various SF movie and
TV characters. There are also astronomy and fantasy imagery,
but mostly warrior women in very little armor.
Sandra is looking at some Orcas in Space paintings and trying
to avoid a DROOLING ART GEEK.
DROOLING ART GEEK
Most of these geek artists never
get to see a real naked woman, so
it’s kind of pathetic really. They
should try to be more imaginative
than using porn magazines for
models.
Sandra gives Drooling Art Geek and icy stare. Misinterpreting
her disdain being directed at the artists rather than
himself, Drooling Art Geek gets more sarcastic.
DROOLING ART GEEK (cont’d)
Now, this one, over there, is
Playboy, June, 1973. And that
blonde over there, is Playboy,
September 1987.
SANDRA
I’m not sure what’s more pathetic,
using an old Playboy as the basis
for your painting, or being so
familiar with Playboy that you can
recognize when some did.
Drooling Art Geek takes a step back.
DROOLING ART GEEK
I was just trying to say, how antifeminist
it all is.
70.
CONTINUED: (2)
SANDRA
So that I get all impressed with
what a sensitive guy you are and
fuck you? Get away from me, fake
feminist porno freak.
Drooling Art Geek slinks off.
Thomas, Matthew, Jake and Rick also back down to the other
aisle, when Sandra sees them. She joins them.
MATTHEW
Hey, Sandra. You handled that
little creep pretty good.
SANDRA
I just don’t know what guys think
sometimes.
RICK
Well, I guess it really depends on
the guy. Where’s Steve?
SANDRA
He should be here, but he’s
probably still gaming.
JAKE
I could go find him.
SANDRA
No, he’ll show in a minute, and
then we’ll have to look for you.
Better for us to stay together.
They walk through the aisles of the art show, in an
uncomfortable silence, but listening to the comments and
conversations of the OTHER CONGOERS viewing the art works.
From the next aisle, we hear Drooling Art Geek try his luck
again with a RED DWARF FEMALE RIMMER HOLOGRAM.
71.
CONTINUED: (3)
DROOLING ART GEEK (V.O.)
Most of these geek artists never
get to see a real naked woman, so
it’s kind of pathetic really.
INT. HALLWAY TO ROOMS. LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
Steve is exiting a room.
Just as the door shuts, we see the Classic Trek Klingon.
Steve straightens out his costume, shakes himself off and
heads for the elevator.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF BALLROOM. EARLY EVENING SATURDAY.
The hall is packed with COSTUMED CONGOERS waiting not so
patiently for the ballroom doors to open.
Steve and Sandra are dressed in Deep Space Nine formal
Starfleet uniforms.
Jake is dressed in a formal Babylon 5 uniform.
Thomas and Matthew are dressed in formal pirate wear from the
International Male catalog.
Nathalie is nearby, dressed in a flowing medieval dress and
her elf pointed ears.
Carol, dressed head to toe in leather, including a mask,
smiles at Nathalie.
Nathalie nods and looks pointedly at Jake.
Carol smiles a slight acknowledgement.
LOUD THROBBING MUSIC blares and the ballroom doors SLAM open.
The crowd steps instinctively back with a SEMI-COLLECTIVE
GASP.
72.
CONTINUED: (4)
Smoke pours into the hallway and the Mistress of Ceremonies,
wearing leather straps and silken scarves, steps of the fog
bank and flashing lights.
MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES
Greetings and Salutations Terrans
and Extra-Terrestrials. Welcome to
the Saturday Night Masquerade Ball!
She steps aside and the costumed and excited crowd flows
noisily into the ballroom.
INT. BALLROOM. SATURDAY EVENING.
People pour through the open doors and position themselves
around the room’s periphery.
TWO VOLUNTEERS just inside the doors turn off the smoke
machines. They pick them up and move the machines to the DEE
JAY’s (mid 30’s) table.
The music should be a blend of 80’s and 70’s, with lots of
Dr. Demento, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Julie Brown, Monty
Python, Tom Lehrer. The emphasis is more entertainment than
dancing.
SEVERAL COUPLES and a few FEMALE THREESOME DANCERS take to
the dance floor and dance to the music.
Steve and Sandra dance together, as do Thomas and Matthew.
Jake tries to look happy being on the sideline. He scans the
crowd for Carol.
Nathalie walks over to him.
NATHALIE
Hi Jake.
JAKE
Hi.
73.
CONTINUED:
NATHALIE
Um, I was wondering if you wanted
to dance?
JAKE
I don’t really know how to dance.
Nathalie looks over her shoulder at the average to goofy
caliber weird looking creatures with melting makeup dancing.
NATHALIE
Seriously, I don’t think you’d
stick out.
JAKE
(laughing in agreement)
Jake lets Nathalie lead him to the dance floor. As they
dance, Jake spots Carol dancing with a WOOKIE.
NATHALIE
Man, that’s hot.
JAKE
Yeah.
NATHALIE
I meant under all that fur.
JAKE
Yeah, you got to be impressed with
the quality of a lot of the
costumes.
Nathalie gives Jake a serious once over look.
NATHALIE
You’re not after Carol, are you?
Jake looks like a deer caught in headlights.
74.
CONTINUED:
Rick and Fairy Woman dance up to Jake and Nathalie. Rick is
very calm and relaxed. Fairy Woman has a Cheshire cat grin.
JAKE
Carol? What makes you think I’m
after Carol?
NATHALIE
Well, your tongue is half out of
your face and I expect to see your
head spin like Linda Blair’s.
Nathalie backs up, she doesn’t want Jake to see that she’s
about to cry.
NATHALIE (CONT’D)
I thought that maybe you were
different, Jake, you seem like a
really nice guy, but I can’t
compete with Carol.
Nathalie runs out of the ballroom.
JAKE
Nathalie, wait…
Jake hits himself, open palmed, on the forehead and moves off
the dance floor.
Carol notices Nathalie’s departure. She disengages from her
dance partner and follows Nathalie out.
Rick and Fairy Woman dance right up behind Jake.
RICK
Smooth move, X-lax. A babe on your
arm is worth more than the best
jerk off.
Jake glares at Rick.
75.
CONTINUED: (2)
JAKE
She wasn’t a babe on my arm, she
was just a nice girl.
Rick looks at Fairy Woman and rolls his eyes.
RICK
Can I catch you for the next dance?
My little friend here needs a life
lesson.
FAIRY WOMAN
Sure. We’ll catch up later?
Fairy Woman disappears into the swirl of dancers. Rick grabs
Jake by the arm and heads for the outside door.
EXT. SIDE OF HOTEL. SATURDAY NIGHT
TWO SMOKING STAR FLEET OFFICERS – ONE VOYAGER, ONE NEXT GEN
are outside.
Rick and Jake step outside. Rick hesitates to assess if the
two Trekkies are going in soon.
SMOKING STAR FLEET VOYAGER
Screwing with history be damned,
I’m just there’s a sinister reason
they made the new Star Trek series
a step back in time.
SMOKING STAR FLEET NEXT GEN
I’ll go with you that it was dumb
to go back in time, since the past
has been so established in the
series and the movies. But
sinister?
Rick walks to the far balcony edge. Jake, being stubborn
pretends to inspect a potted plant.
76.
CONTINUED: (3)
SMOKING STAR FLEET VOYAGER
Star Trek, Captain Kirk, white
male. Next Gen, Captain Picard,
white male.
SMOKING STAR FLEET NEXT GEN
DS9, Commander Sisko, black male.
So?
Rick gives Jake an intense look.
RICK
Don’t play in the plant, it’s not a
Leisure Suit Larry game.
Jake saunters over to Rick.
SMOKING STAR FLEET VOYAGER
Voyager, Captain Janeway, white
female. The next captain would have
been a black female.
SMOKING STAR FLEET NEXT GEN (OS)
Unless they went back in time.
Oooo, that’s sinister.
RICK
Jake, you wouldn’t know what to do
with Carol. Set your sights on
someone you actually have a chance
to get.
Jake looks up at the stars.
JAKE
Nathalie’s nice, but she’s not my
type.
RICK
You have a type other than Female
and Breathing?
77.
CONTINUED:
JAKE
She’s just not.
RICK
Why?
JAKE
Too mousy.
RICK
If a cat goes hungry, they’ll eat a
mouse. Why really?
JAKE
Will you stop saying that?
RICK
Why?
JAKE
Fine, she’s overweight. I said it.
Are you happy?
RICK
Really disappointed in you.
JAKE
Why? What’s wrong with liking
really attractive women?
RICK
Consider this, Romeo: Why should
someone who looks like a supermodel
get over her own sorry superficial
ass to see the sweet sensitive
human inside your geeky envelope?
Jake glares at Rick.
78.
CONTINUED: (2)
RICK (cont’d)
(sarcastic)
Oh, there’s no response, and yet I
hear the little gerbils in your
head running so fast.
Rick walks back to the door, leaving Jake to ponder the
stars.
RICK (cont’d)
Consider this: who you can get, may
be just who you need.
Jake turns his back on Rick, sulking.
SMOKING STAR FLEET NEXT GEN
So, wanna debate who had more
clothes? Cat on Red Dwarf or the
Howells on Gilligan’s Island?
SMOKING STAR FLEET VOYAGER
Cat, hands down. He had a lot more
closet space.
EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN. DAY (JAKE’S FANTASY)
A small space shuttle lands.
Carol (exotic alien princess) emerges from the hatch.
Jake (rugged, archeologist gear) pulls up on a motorcycle.
Carol smiles at him, extending her hand.
Jake walks towards Carol.
They embrace.
79.
CONTINUED: (3)
CAROL
You’ve made the right choice. I can
show you a universe you never
imagined. Sights, sounds, and
stimulate your most intimate
senses.
JAKE
This isn’t just for me, this is for
science.
CAROL
Of course, but my darling, we won’t
be back in this quadrant of the
galaxy for centuries, if you come
with me, you’ll need to be willing
to say goodbye to everything – and
everyone – you know.
Jake looks at the horizon, anguished.
JAKE
It’s a risk I am just going to have
to make.
Carol smiles. She takes Jake’s hand and leads him towards her
space shuttle.
Nathalie (archeologist gear) pulls up in a jeep. She jumps
out of the jeep and runs.
NATHALIE
Jake! Jake! Don’t go!
Jake turns and looks at Nathalie. His determination wanes.
Carol is angry.
JAKE
Nathalie. Please, don’t. I have to
do this.
80.
CONTINUED:
Nathalie grabs Jake’s arm and pulls him towards her.
NATHALIE
No, I can give you what you want,
what you need. She’s just all,
glamour and glitz. The icing, I’m
the cake.
Carol grabs Jake’s other arm and they tug of war.
CAROL
Foolish terran! You don’t know hat
you’re asking him to give up, I can
give him pleasures beyond any
measure!
NATHALIE
And I can give him a life, a solid
relationship, security, something
substantial to build on. Something
real.
Jake is pulled back and forth.
CAROL
Unlimited Pleasure!
NATHALIE
Something real!
CAROL
Pleasure
NATHALIE
Real!
Jake breaks away.
JAKE
Stop it! Both of you! I’m the one
who has to decide!
81.
CONTINUED: (2)
The two women look at him expectantly.
Jake steps away from them. He takes a breath and turns back
to face them.
JAKE (cont’d)
I just have to go with my heart.
CAROL
Desire.
NATHALIE
Love.
Jake swallows hard.
He looks at Carol. Behind her stretches scenes of ecstacy,
wonderment and delight.
He looks at Nathalie. Behind her stretches scenes of
domesticity, longevity and romance.
JAKE
I choose…
Jake holds out his hand and takes a step towards the woman,
who do not move.
INT. BALLROOM. SATURDAY NIGHT.
Rick enters the ballroom. He sees the Fairy Woman dancing
with another man.
He glares back out the door in Jake’s direction. He sees
Steve and Sandra and heads over to them.
Carol comes back into the ballroom and scans the crowd. She
heads over to Rick.
82.
CONTINUED: (3)
EXT. SIDE OF HOTEL. SATURDAY NIGHT. AS BEFORE
Carol borrows a cigarette from Smoking Star Fleet Voyager.
His hand trembles as he lights it for her. She gives him a
once over and smiles at him.
Jake watches the stars. Carol walks up behind him.
CAROL
Hello, Jake.
Jake freezes, afraid to turn around.
CAROL (CONT’D)
A little birdie told me that you’ve
been looking for me.
Jake turns around.
JAKE
I, uh, saw you yesterday, with the,
um, gentlemen in the ah, uh…
CAROL
Just getting them broken in.
They’re not used to public display
yet, but I like to push their
boundaries. It’s good to get
outside your comfort zone.
(a beat)
That’s where you find out what
really turns you on.
Jake coughs.
Carol takes a long drag on the cigarette to stop herself from
laughing. She exhales.
Jake’s eyes are drawn upwards by the smoke, but return
quickly to her cleavage.
83.
JAKE
Gee, it’s kinda cold out here for
summer.
Carol gets really close to Jake, flirting with him.
CAROL
Well, Jake, we could always go
inside…to my room.
Jake smiles at Carol, trying to be more confident than he is.
JAKE
Your room?
NON SPACE NON TIME
Lush red curtains form a backdrop. They move sensuously.
There is a red draped bed.
Jake (looking bigger and slightly older) beckons to Carol
(looking younger in a virginal white, slinky toga style
outfit).
Carol coyly resists.
Jake steps forward, taking her hand.
She tries to flee, but not really hard, and is overpowered by
his manliness.
They kiss. He pulls her onto the bed. They kiss again.
EXT. SIDE OF HOTEL. SATURDAY NIGHT. AS BEFORE
Jake smiles at Carol, trying to be more confident than he is.
JAKE
Your room.
84.
CONTINUED:
CAROL
You’re a good looking young geek.
You’ve got that sort of Harry
Potter thing going. I’m into making
magic.
Carol steps forward, and runs a finger along his jaw.
CAROL (CONT’D)
Are you ready to play in the big
leagues?
Jake just nods and steps closer. Carol turns sharply on her
heel, and Jake follows her like a puppy.
INT. CAROL’S HOTELROOM. SAT NIGHT.
Carol’s room is extremely clean. On the dresser and night
tables, there are several different oils, lubricants, whips,
paddles, gags and riding crops.
In the chair in the corner, there is a fully inflated male
blow up doll in a leather harness and a Christmas shiny ball
ornament hanging from the end of the vibrator penis.
Jake tries to be casual about the whips laid out in
descending order of scariness when he notices the blow up
doll. He edges back to the door.
Carol pulls Jake by the front of his shirt against her and
she kisses him hard.
Jake tries to put his arms around her, and she pushes him
onto the bed.
There are fur-lined leather shackles attached with a short
loop of chain at each corner of the bed.
CAROL
There’s a few rules that you need
to know.
85.
CONTINUED:
JAKE
Rules? Oh, condoms, I have two in
my wallet. Is that enough?
CAROL
Condoms? Sure, if they make you
feel better, wear them.
Jake sits up and tosses them into the nightstand, not
believing his luck.
CAROL (CONT’D)
Rule One: I give you orders, and
you obey. And if you obey properly,
you’re going to be rewarded with
the most amazing sensations.
JAKE
Okay.
CAROL
Rule Two: Tell me your safe word,
when you say this word, I stop what
I’m doing and playtime is over. Use
it only when you mean it.
JAKE
Safeword?
Carol nods.
JAKE (cont’d)
John Jacob Jinglehammerschmidt?
CAROL
Interesting choice. Rule Three:
address me as Mistress, and you
will only speak when spoken to. If
you agree to these rules, say ‘Yes,
Mistress.” If you don’t, leave now.
Jake smiles confidently at Carol.
86.
CONTINUED:
JAKE
Yes, Mistress.
Carol sizes him up. Jake smiles in anticipation.
CAROL
Remove all of your clothes and lay
down on the bed, Slave. On top of
the covers, face down.
Carol turns her back to him and moves to the dresser to
select a whip.
Jake hesitates, then removes his clothes, folding them neatly
in a pile on the floor, and lays face down.
Carol comes back to the bed. She smiles at the folded
clothes. She quickly secures Jake with the shackles.
CAROL (CONT’D)
Points for being tidy. Slave, is
this your first time?
JAKE
Yes, um, Mistress.
CAROL
Don’t worry about the restraints,
it’s just a little precaution that
you don’t move the wrong way and
get hurt.
JAKE
Um, how are we going to have sex..
CAROL
You are only to speak when I ask
you a question. I’ll not punish
you, THIS TIME, but I won’t be as
tolerant a second time.
Jake nods his head and squirms uncomfortably.
87.
CONTINUED: (2)
Carol brings some lotion over to the bed and gives Jake a
quick but effective massage, he begins to relax and moan.
Carol returns the oil to the dresser and gets a leather
paddle. She returns to the bed and drags it along Jake’s
body.
She spanks him, moderately hard.
JAKE YELPS IN SURPRISE.
Carol stops.
CAROL (CONT’D)
Problem, slave?
JAKE
Yes, Mistress, I… I don’t think
that I like that very much.
CAROL
What do you like?
Carol goes to the dresser like an excited kid in a candy
store without a clerk.
CAROL (CONT’D)
Cat-o-nine tails? Spiked thong?
Cane? Oh, I’ve been dying to try
out this knotted rubber. Ooooo,
wait, I have a french tickler butt
plug that’ll really make you.
JAKE
(panicking)
Let me go! Please?
Carol smiles wickedly, and comes back to the bed holding a
tapered purple butt plug that looks like a sea urchin’s not
so distant cousin. It vibrates menacingly.
88.
CONTINUED: (3)
CAROL
I think it will make your prostate
sing opera.
Jake starts to struggle in terror.
JAKE
Jane Junglesmith! I don’t like
opera! Hammersomething!
Carol puts the butt plug on the end table, Jake stops
struggling when he sees it.
Carol undoes an arm. Jake partially rolls on his side.
CAROL
Look, calm down. I’m not going to
hurt you. I just don’t understand
why you agreed to come to my room.
JAKE
I thought we were going to have
regular sex.
CAROL
I gave up vanilla a long time ago.
JAKE
But, I thought that the leather was
just a costume, like everyone
else’s.
CAROL
I don’t play dress up, I am very
much a what you see is what you get
person. I like science fiction,
and, these conventions are great to
meet submissive men.
Jake squirms uncomfortably.
89.
CONTINUED: (4)
JAKE
Can you undo the other things? I’m
feeling kinda naked.
Carol makes no move to release him.
CAROL
So, tell me something. If you’re
not into SM, what are you looking
for?
JAKE
Dunno, just regular, I guess.
CAROL
Jake, I think that I may have a
solution to your problem.
JAKE
What’s my problem?
CAROL
You’re jumping in the pool at the
wrong end. You need to work your
way into deeper waters.
JAKE
I don’t follow you.
CAROL
Work with me. It’s a metaphor.
People think they want simple
truth, but they always resist it
until they learn it the hard way –
by themselves. You need someone who
wants the same things you want, and
likes the same kind of sex that you
do.
90.
CONTINUED: (5)
JAKE
I just thought that, since you’re
more experienced, that you’d teach
me about sex.
Carol runs her hand along his ass. Jake jumps a bit against
the restraints.
CAROL
I just think that telling you to
breathe and let your sexual
adventures progress at your own
comfortable pace is probably the
best thing I could teach you.
Carol gets off the bed and undoes the other three restraints.
Jake sits up, covering himself with the top blanket.
CAROL (CONT’D)
I think that you would have liked
the butt plug.
Carol picks up the purple plug and holds it tenderly.
JAKE
I guess I better get dressed.
When Jake makes no move to uncover, Carol smiles wickedly.
CAROL
I’ll let you get dressed in
private.
Carol exits to the bathroom.
Jake get up, clutching the blanket around himself. He looks
at Carol’s toys and grimaces softly. He turns and picks up
his clothes and gets dressed.
91.
CONTINUED: (6)
INT. HOSPITALITY. SATURDAY NIGHT/SUNDAY MORNING.
The Three Hackers continue to chatroom each other, oblivious
to everything else but their ever-present plates of chips.
There are a few partied out CONGOERS, most are costumed.
Nathalie is consoling herself with junk food, but it isn’t
helping.
Jake enters. He gets a soft drink and scans the room.
Nathalie turns slightly in her chair to ignore him.
Crestfallen, Jake takes a deep breath and screws up his
courage. Jake walks over to Nathalie’s table.
JAKE
Hi, Nathalie, can I share your
table?
Nathalie looks around the room at the mostly empty tables.
NATHALIE
I guess.
Jake sits. Nathalie pushes her plate away.
JAKE
Sorry I was a jerk at the dance.
NATHALIE
Do you like me at all?
Jake looks at his feet. He looks at Nathalie.
JAKE
Yeah, I was just confused.
Nathalie smiles broadly.
92.
NATHALIE
(sharply)
No, you were just being a guy. It’s
what guys do.
JAKE
It’s no excuse for bad behavior, I
shouldn’t have been checking Carol
out.
NATHALIE
It’s okay, I’m used to it.
JAKE
Well, you shouldn’t be. You’re
smart and funny…
NATHALIE
If you say I have a pretty face,
I’m leaving. I like you, but if
you’re gonna be a moped syndrome
guy,then please, don’t start with
me.
JAKE
Moped syndrome?
NATHALIE
Yeah, you know, fun to ride but you
don’t want your friends to see you
on one.
JAKE
It’s not like that.
NATHALIE
I’m fat, I’m trying not to be, for
me, for my health, but the reality
is I am always going to be heavy.
93.
CONTINUED:
JAKE
Well, I haven’t been nice, and I’m
sorry, and I don’t think that
you’re a moped.
Nathalie smiles.
NATHALIE
And, I’m sorry I got weird in
hospitality, when your friend said
about his boyfriend.
JAKE
I wondered why you left?
NATHALIE
It was the way you answered, I
thought maybe you were gay, and
that I didn’t have a chance.
JAKE
I’m not gay.
NATHALIE
So, um, what about Carol? Or
someone like her?
JAKE
Why don’t we just see where the two
of us get to? Before we start
thinking about threesomes.
Nathalie laughs heartily. Jake smiles at her.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF 314. LATE SATURDAY NIGHT
Fairy Woman knocks on the door. No one answers. She waits a
few moments.
94.
CONTINUED: (2)
COSTUMED COUPLES and some COSTUMED THREESOMES walk past her
and enter other rooms. There is LOUD MUSIC, TALKING AND
LAUGHING from the lounge area.
A FERENGI walks up to Fairy Woman and puts a red sticker on
her con-badge.
FERENGI
You’ve been infected by Virus-Con
12. You have to come to our party!
The Ferengi takes Fairy Woman’s hand and pulls her down the
hall.
FAIRY WOMAN
Virus-Con?
FERENGI
Yeah, we couldn’t afford our own
convention, so we infiltrate other
cons with our own program stream. I
infected you, so you have to come
to the party unless you got
infected last year, in which case,
you’ve got antibodies.
Fairy Woman looks to the elevator, where TWO VISITORS and a
DR. WHO have just stepped off and are heading down the
hallway. She looks at her watch (11:30pm)
FAIRY WOMAN
I don’t have anti-bodies, and it
looks like I got stood up.
FERENGI
A fine, hue-mun female specimen
like you! Shameful.
Fairy Woman and the Ferengi head off down the hallway to the
Virus-Con party.
95.
CONTINUED:
INT. HOSPITALITY. SUNDAY MORNING.
Steve, Sandra, Rick, Thomas, Matthew, Jake and Nathalie are
eating breakfast.
There is only a few other uncostumed people and the Three
Hackers.
Jake and Nathalie share not so secret smiles.
SANDRA
Wow, conventions sure empty out on
Sundays.
THOMAS
There’s still the Dead Griffin
party tonight, but I think I’d
rather head home, get laundry done
for Monday.
RICK
There’s still some movies and
gaming.
JAKE
Nathalie’s going to be joining our
game.
THOMAS
Matthew, too.
Steve glances at Sandra, but she continues to drink her
coffee.
STEVE
Sure, we’re at a good spot to
introduce new characters. We ended
in a town. We’re going to go play,
Sandra, want to come?
96.
SANDRA
No, you go play Steve, there’s a
movie I wanted to watch. Let’s just
meet up at 4pm? That enough time?
STEVE
It’s only six hours but we could
get a really good start on the next
leg of the quest.
Everyone else stands. Steve kisses Sandra on the cheek.
Jake and Nathalie hold hands as they leave.
Matthew puts his arm around Thomas’ shoulders and they exit.
Rick walks jauntily out beside Steve, and then grabs him for
a kiss before the door way.
Steve pushes him away.
RICK
I was just feeling all left out of
the couple thing. Nothing personal.
STEVE
Keep it up and I’ll send a Frost
Dragon to eat your ass.
RICK
Hmmmmm, never tried that.
Sandra laughs as they exit. She returns to her program book.
The Three Hackers log off and close their laptops. Not all at
the same time, they look around, rub their eyes and stand up.
They exit without a word to each other.
Sandra is looking through the program, picking out movies.
The female Klingon that Sandra slept with sits down with her.
Sandra smiles. The woman shows her a room key. They exit.
97.
CONTINUED:
INT. GAME ROOM. SUNDAY MORNING.
Steve, Rick, Thomas, Matthew, Jake and Nathalie are at a
table with D&D books, dice, pencils and paper.
Matthew is looking at his character sheet with some dismay.
Thomas touches his arm and smiles.
MATTHEW
Who’s your character again?
THOMAS
Fizzbog the So-So, she’s a wizard.
Jake is Zolton the Nebulous, he’s a
warrior, and Rick is a thief,
sorry, his character’s a thief,
Razzle Fishminder.
MATTHEW
I am a cleric, Marvin Tabernac, and
you’ll explain these numbers and
stuff as we go along…
THOMAS
I’ll be gentle.
MATTHEW
Promises, promises.
NATHALIE
And I’m an elf ranger, Glinda
Branchwalker.
STEVE
You’re all in a tavern.
98.
INT. TAVERN. EVENING
Fizzbog the So-So, Zolton the Nebulous (now more normal human
sized – symbolizing Jake’s new more realistic understanding
of himself), and Razzle Fishminder are at the bar.
GLINDA BRANCHWALKER (A shorter and heavier than usual elf
ranger) walks up to Zolton.
GLINDA
I understand that you are looking
for a guide to take you the Murky
Stewart Woods, it’s a dangerous
place, but I can guide you and your
party.
ZOLTON
You can guide us through the
distressed forest?
GLINDA
The same, I have been there, and
lived to tell.
MARVIN TABERNAC (young, athletic cleric) walks up to them.
MARVIN
It’s a cursed place. You will need
more protection than a ranger can
give. I am a cleric, and can help
to safe guard your souls.
RAZZLE
Can you cast a spell on the ranger
to make sure she’s not trying to
lure us into a trap, make sure
she’s good?
GLINDA
I am willing to undergo the test,
if it is required.
99.
ZOLTON
That’s good enough for me, knock it
off, Razzle.
RAZZLE
Fine, never mind, Marvin. We take
them both into the party.
STEVE (OS)
<evil laugh> A press gang bursts
into the tavern.
ZOLTON
I draw my sword
Steve and Jake reach for their respective pile of dice.